Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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