So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Boobs speak an international language.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
