so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
