they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
