Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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