If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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