ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
