Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize