Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
my liver is dry heaving
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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