Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
