His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
