Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
