Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
