BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
