Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
