grandma shit on top of the toilet
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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