I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
