Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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