My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
This is classic penis vs brain.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
