cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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