nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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