I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
