I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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