You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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