M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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