I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
