I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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