we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
