i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
