i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
