My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
