if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
