i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize