sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
