You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
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