so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
