I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
