If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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