Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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