a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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