i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
