the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
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