he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I need a burrito and a hug.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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