Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
