my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You're like the curious george of whores
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
