She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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