eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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