Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
