Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize