You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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