All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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