If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
