If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
