He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
