you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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