awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
