Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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