it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Drunk is a universal language darling
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