he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
if only i could text you this smell
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
