I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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