While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
