Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
