There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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