Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
