I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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