So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We got so high we made milksteak
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
