you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
