Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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